It does not matter how good you are at communicating, if the person you are communicating with is difficult to deal with then the communication becomes complicated. We all hate dealing with difficult people. They take more of your time and they can really wear you down. And let’s be honest, they exist everywhere, whether it’s with coworkers, family, or friends, you just can’t ignore them.
I like to think that I don’t coach difficult people but I have coached lots of clients who work with difficult people. There are ways to try and make it easier and below are some helpful tips on how to manage these challenging interactions and end up feeling more positive.
1. Develop Effective Communication Strategies
Suspend Judgment
Before you even start, go in with an open mind. If you go in convinced that the conversation is going to go no-where you will not be surprised when it does, in fact, go no-where.
Listen Actively
Listening well is really important. This sounds easy but it is much more difficult to do when you don’t have a good relationship with the person who is speaking. When you’re talking to someone who’s being tough to deal with, make sure you don’t cut them off or start thinking about what you’re going to say next while they’re still talking. Try to really focus on what they are saying and see if you can understand where they’re coming from and why they are saying what they are saying.
Ask questions if you need to, and show them with nods and your attention that you’re really paying attention. Actually being interested in what people are saying has the effect of improving your understanding and at the same time it can have a calming effect on the person speaking as they feel they have your attention.
Choose Your Words Carefully
When it is your turn to speak, speak clearly and keep things simple. Avoid saying stuff that could make matters worse. It’s not about winning an argument, but about getting along with each other.
2. Manage Your Emotional Responses
Stay Calm
If the other person is getting upset, remember to stay calm. Staying chilled makes a big difference. When you remain calm, you are able to stay balanced and focused on what the conversation is about. People generally find it difficult to keep yelling at a person who doesn’t yell back.
Try to see things from their point of view. This is much easier to do when you are calmer. They might be dealing with tough stuff you’re not aware of. Being understanding doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to act badly, but it can make dealing with it a bit easier.
3. Understand the Bigger Picture, Set Boundaries and Focus on What You Can Control
Separate the Personal and Environmental Elements
If someone’s being difficult, ask yourself: Are they difficult all the time and with everyone or is it only in specific situations or only with you? To truly understand this you need to spend some time observing them from afar.
If it is the situation that causes the issue, then try moving the discussion to a different place or time to focus on the conversation rather than the environment. Tell them that you have noticed these situations make them uncomfortable and even ask them to set the time and place that they are most comfortable with.
If the issue is more personal and specifically related to your relationship, then you have to do your best to keep the conversation focused on the topic and not relationship. One way to do this is to acknowledge that the relationship has issues but that the purpose of the conversation is to solve or agree a way forward on a specific task or work related problem. The conversation is not designed to resolve the personal conflict.
Define Limits and Accept What is Achievable
While it is important that you remain calm and actively listen, you should also be aware of your limits and be firm when they are crossed. Be clear on what actions you’re not okay with. Like, “I would appreciate if you don’t yell” or “Using that type of language doesn’t help.”
At the end of the day, it’s really important to take care of your mind and feelings. While it may be that they have their own stuff going on which is causing the problem, don’t let their own issues become yours. If you need to, you can suggest that they get help. If it gets out of your control do not be afraid to step back or seek help.
Ultimately You Can’t Change Who People Really Are
While you can improve things by taking the time and making an effort to understand difficult people, you ultimately can’t change who they are. You can only choose how you react to them.
4. Get Better by Reflection and Coaching
Learn from Each Interaction
As interactions with difficult people are not a single event, or sometimes not even a single person, you should take the time to consider what went well and what didn’t. Learn from this so you do better in your next attempt.
Work with a Coach
If you are running into problems, cannot seem to go anywhere and its really important, get some help. Think of working with a coach (I am always available), it’s smart to talk to people who can help you see things from an external perspective. They can help you see things about yourself that you can’t or many don’t what to see. A couch can give you some helpful tips.
Conclusion
Dealing with difficult people gets easier with practice, staying calm, and focusing on the outcome not the person is important. Use these methods to make the best out of tough situations. Don’t become a difficult person as a way of dealing with a difficult person.
