Need to get someone to change their mind?
Act like an FBI Hostage Negotiator by using this simple five-step approach.
1. Demonstrate active listening.
Listen to the other side and make them aware you’re listening.
2. Show empathy.
Get an understanding of where they’re coming from and what they’re feeling.
3. Build rapport.
Empathy is what you feel. Rapport is when they feel it back. This is where you build trust.
4. Start influencing.
Now that they trust you, you’ve earned the right to work on solving the issue and recommending a course of action.
5. Change behaviour.
They act.
The problem is that most people start at step four. In a negotiation, the most important stage is really step one.
Why is active listening so important? I’ve discussed elements of this before, when I asked “Do you listen in meetings?”. When you need to change someone’s mind, you need to accept the fact that people are incapable of being rational — their emotions always play a part.
Actively listening to someone can set off a process of change. It starts with the fact that when you’re fully focussed on listening, you stop thinking about your next move and start hearing what the other person is saying. When you start hearing what the other person is saying you start to understand what they are feeling and what is important to them. Understanding the other person’s position is the first move into step two.
When you understand what someone really wants, it gives you the opportunity to feed it back to them to check whether what they’re asking for will get them what they want. You will be surprised, but often this is not the case. Being a sounding board can help clarify this and in some instances can help a person understand the ridiculous nature of their demands. This is the first move into Step three.
People find it much easier to listen once they have said what they have to say. Think if it this way: when you have let someone fully explain everything that is on their mind, there is more space in their head to take on your ideas. This is the first move to into Step four.
In case you want to know more, the model is called “The Behavioral Change Stairway Model”.
